You want the TRUTH about the Metaverse? You can't HANDLE the truth about the Metaverse! That's why...we're not going to GIVE you the truth about the Metaverse! Welcome to GC Confidential: we're going to coddle you with suspicions, half-truths and spin doctoring so vicious your body will rotate as you read. You will not want to play GalCiv for at least a WEEK after digesting this - so sit down and get comfy...
BUSH BACKS SPECIAL FORCES
Emperor Wild Wombat met with President George W. Bush today and gratefully received the President's assurances of increased funding for the group's operations. While most observers continue to believe the "W" represents Mr. Bush's middle name, SF members know it signifies that he is a "W"ombat operative. After a sleepover at his Texas ranch, Wild Wombat accompanied the President on an inspection tour of new ordinance on the grounds of the White House; the President is pictured here giving his famous "Wombat" victory sign.
"Well Wild One, we can't have all the hoo-haa about this stupid Tolkeen overshadow the real mission, can we?" Bush was reported as saying. "I mean, all this limey culture can't be good for the free world, can it? Next you know we'll have fine young Americans having to study other boring old British writers, like that Shakespeer fella! Tony Blair's givin' me a hard time lately anyway, and if I have so sit through another story about fairies and elves I'm gonna puke! Why aren't they makin' good war movies anymore?"
"Anyway, you can count on continued funding for your operations. Cheney and I will get it through Congress and call it an 'Environment Bill' or some crap like that, but it'll be in your Cayman Island account within 24 hours. Fight the good fight, buddy - the free world is depending on your team to win the war against tolkeenism!"
Later, Wild Wombat took a call in the Oval Office from Arnold W. Schwarznegger, Governor of California. "Vell Vombie, I appreciated your help in the recent election, and I just want you to tell your people to get out there and kick butt! Maria and I vill be using some unspent 'campaign' funds to throw you guys a celebration party so get your asses on the next plane to the Vest Coast! Party on, dudes!"
Metaverse mainstay Sirian has long spoken at length about the virtues of morality and the ethics of playing "the right way." Many have questioned whether mere humans can live up to these lofty ideals. The TRUTH has now been revealed. They cannot - Sirian himself is not human.
This reporter has reliable information that Sirian, as he calls himself, is actually the first product of an Altarian genetic engineering experiment to plant spies and saboteurs under cover here on Earth. Although Altarians resemble humans when seen in subspace telecasts, this is believed to be a result of an elaborate electronic hoax. Suggestively, no Altarian has ever met a human face-to-face. Information about a secret Altarian plot to produce spies capable of physical contact with humans was a startling revelation, and PROOF that these earlier "rumors" of Altarian duplicity were indeed factual.
This information was provided by a source, who, like most of our sources, wishes to remain completely anonymous for fear of his/her/its personal safety; but is nonetheless very, very reliable!
This reporter was actually given a picture (above) purporting to be Sirian at a gaming venue. Our sources have discovered that this picture is in fact of a Mr. Rupert Smedley of Pittsburgh, PA, who disappeared in mysterious circumstances some fourteen years ago in a passenger flight across the Bermuda Triangle
When asked to comment on this story before going to press, Sirian send our newspaper a 487-page response. Feeding this response through our universal translator returned the message, "No comment."
The astute Metaverse observer will notice that this story is supported by Sirian's moralizing tactics and "holy" stance - both favored weapons of the Altarians. In addition, his public disdain with Metaverse competition, even while climbing regularly in the standings, hints at an attempt to disguise an impending cultural attack.
The impact on the Metaverse remains to be seen. Will Realms Beyond remain popular once it becomes clear that their spokesman is an alien subversive? Is Realms Beyond ITSELF an organization of these genetic spies? Their history of participating in other 4X games could hint at a dastardly PLOT against all of Earth's game-playing civilizations. And will GROSS, fueled by the returning EBZ's mindless fury and hatred of the Altarians, cut loose the dogs of war and make bloody war upon Realms Beyond?
But these are speculations for the future. As always, this newspaper reports ONLY FACTS. Good night, and God bless you.
CAPTAIN FLASH IN HOT WATER
Audiences around the Metaverse were horrified today to see Captain Flash take his young protege, never-never, into an enclosure with a man eating crocodile. Denying the activity was a publicity stunt to rouse his troops, Captain Flash stated catagorically that at no time was never-never in any danger:
"i iz hurt! i iz not goin to risk one of me own! this iz the way we gets him used to tacklin' those other emperors. 'e az to be tough to bail up that fat wombat and those corn farmers - if 'e can face down the croc, 'e az nothin to fear from the Metaverse!"
Parental rights organisations uniformly condemned Flash's actions, comparing them to Michael Jackson making his young son sit through repeated viewings of the Wizard of Oz movie version in which he appeared.
Reports that never-never soiled his nappy and cried uncontrollably for an hour after the experience remain unconfirmed.
Welcome to our section dedicated to helping you, the Metaverse gamer, with any difficulties or problems you may encounter along the great journey. Place your head upon the chopping block, and let the Furious axe of wisdom come down upon your exposed neck of uncertainty…
Dear Mr.Furious - I'm having troubling thoughts about my current empire. Our leader is a wonderful guy, but lately he's been acting really strange...you know, wont shut up, says weird things, really inappropriate sometimes. I've met these nice guys in another empire and, well, I'm tempted...but what will it do to my current leader? What should I do?
Mr. Furious responds:
YOU PUSILLANIMOUS WORM!! HOW could you THINK of leaving when your emperor is mentally unstable! This is when he needs you the most! It's pathetic crap like this that makes my blood boil...listen you useless bag of dog vomit, what you need to do is perfectly clear. You need to take over your current empire. Now is the perfect time - your emperor is nutty as a fruit cake, so get in there, stab him in the back and TAKE THE REINS OF POWER. This is the test of TRUE loyalty! Don't call me back until you have BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS! Where do they get these wimps....
For sale, banned cranking guide, guaranteed to enhance your scores, please send 10,000bc to P.O Box 666, Skowbo II, outer sector, goods will be posted under plain brown paper wrapper.
"Use of this product may result in a Metaverse-wide score recalculation. Any ramifications of this recalc, including (but not limited to) fury from other players, persecution from game developers, and delayed/deleted game features are the sole responsibility of the buyer."
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