January 27, 2004
What has taken over me? What is this feeling of hopelessness? Gone are the days when I was fun, vibrant and excited to live life and see every new day. Is this just winter's hibernation taking over? I thought today would be better; the sun is shining. But still this uneasiness and overwhelmance takes over. My life used to feel like it was something worth living. I feel like I'm slowly slipping away from all I used to know. Nothing can cure this pain I feel. Tears can't heal this unknown wound. I can't tell anyone, I don't know why, I just can't. I used to be thouroughly happy, joyful, fun and bubbly. Has the cold weather numbed my spirit?
There is so much in this world to see, yet I've seen none of it. So much in life to do, yet I feel as though I do none of it. The clock ticks even as I write, and the minutes seem like hours, the hours seem like days. Life goes by so quickly now, and all I do is sit here. What's my motivation? I want to make something of my life. I would love to get on a jet plane and fly away, fly away to a place where everything is good again. Life is now just going through the motions, every day I live is one day closer to my day of death. What a glorious day that will be, when I meet my Maker face to face. Maybe He'll tell me what's wrong with me, why my spirit feels so crushed, but right now He feels so far away.
~"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent. Do not be far from me, for trouble is near, and there is no one to help. But you, O Lord, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me. Deliver my life from the sword, my precious life from the power of the dogs."... whatever that power of the dogs in my life may be. (Psalm 22)~
People energize me; I'm an extrovert, yet seeing people is a rare occasion, and when I do, it's not like old times. Here I sit, 6 days a week, in my basement, trying to understand this stupid geometry. What's the point? Here I sit, alone and isolated from this world. Public School is no use; the teachers are shit, the kids are cruel and immature. Their idea of fun is getting stoned and wasted, but sometimes that doesn't sound like that awful of an idea. I know I never would; I'd be throwing away everything I ever stood for, and yet somehow it appeals to me.
What's the use of my relationship with my guy? It will end eventually, so there really is no outcome; only bitter ends to relationships and broken hearts of those we once held. Slow dancing to Shania Twain on our bridge felt so right. He's falling for me; I've decieved him. He thinks we will last forever. When he touches me, I feel like a statue, numbed to all affection. The feeling of control is so good. The dozen roses makes me smile inside, but on the outside I'm cold as a stone.
I want to be good, do good, do what is right in God's sight. Yet this world sometimes appeals to me so.
Is it all in my head? It feels like it's in my heart. This aweful feeling is killing me. What happened to my happiness? Is it my mindset and outlook? Or is this really me? Shit; things are so good. Good family, parents who stuck with each other through the years, good friends, great boyfriend, amazing God, free will.
Is it because my friend tried to take her own life just a few weeks ago? She seems fine now, happy and content, though I'm sure deep down the scars are still there. My hope is Jesus, and the way I used to feel. Who am I? Oh those memories of happy days, my homeless gloves, my oldies songs, Lauren Hill, Dr. Pepper. All those things that once made me want to scream at the top of my lungs now seem to sufficate me in my own spirit.
~"Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out, I laugh myself to sleep it's my lulluby. Sometimes I drive so fast, just to feel the danger, it makes me scream, I want to feel alive! Is it enough to live; is it enough to die?"~
I know this feeling will cease, and if I wanted to I could be happy again, but somehow that doesn't even seem to be what I want. I said this feeling is killing me, yet I don't seem to want to be happy again. Something is wrong with me. Life should be so good for me, and it is so awful for others. Maybe their pain has carried over into my life. Maybe the Lord is helping me to feel what they feel, and see what they see. Maybe they can't choose to be happy, maybe thier life is hell and they can't make it any different.
But right now it's just me, it's just the way I feel, and I don't know what to do to get over it.
