I just came in from the barn. My parents were talking to their friends about the church they're going to now and how they had just attended a great seminar there. I was busy putting these people's kid on my horse, and letting her feed him, but in the background I noticed something that struck me, just a little thing, but really, it struck me. Here this couple stands, making casual conversation, and the man asks my parents if they know so-and-so "that goes to your church". The conversation continued on to other stuff.
This morning my friend, that goes to a different church (the one I often attend), and I were at our mall just walking about and I said something to her, but caught myself. I was going to say something about "our church", but just as I was about to say that, I replaced "our church" with the actual name of our church.
You see a few days ago I vowed, to myself, not to call any church "my" or "ours" because I don't know were I belong and it's so frusterating. I don't feel like I really have a church right now. Maybe I'm just throwing a pity-party for myself, but it's really hard, not to feel like you belong to a body who supposedly shares the most important thing in your life (Jesus). I mean I don't doubt that both these churches believe, but I've been hurt by churches, and I suppose by my parents' decisions. My parents are wise people (they must be for their 16 year old daughter to recognize that) and I respect their decisions.
From the time I was born until I was about 6 we went to a Lutheran church. Oh save me! (I do apologize, but there is more out there than what the Lutheran church let's on, but that's another matter)
After this we went to an e-free church, and after a few years there I warmed up and even felt like I was just starting to make friends, something I don't think I had for a while before that. By this time I must have been 11 or 12. I'm not sure the exact reason but my parents decided to find a church closer and maybe more "welcoming" (I think that was part of it)
Here comes another round of "church-shopping". Okay, so we find yet another church, and Assembly of God church. The Pastor was good, down to earth. People liked him; we liked him. We were content, at least I was. Then that pastor left and at the same time our youth pastor left and we got 2 new pastors. Both were great people, but I question(and I shouldn't) whether they really should have been in the positions they were. Meanwhile I was starting (all over again) to develop friends. Some were true friends, some weren't; some were who I thought they were; some weren't. Now at this point I'm in my younger teen years, and I got along really well with these people. But, things happened. There were secrets, that are still(I'm pretty sure) supposed to remain secrets to this day. The youth pastor didn't keep his word, even in the little things; and no apology was offered. The deacons/board members were doing things they shouldn't have been. The senior pastor avoided conflict, to all heights and degrees. He needed to take the lead and with God's help work things out in that screwed up church. The board was probably the biggest of problems. They thought they were in charge; they didn't think they needed God's help; they thought they knew it all. It was so sick, so twisted, so decietful; just all the little things.
I have a friend, who can get very depressed. She used to go there. She talked to one of the board members there about just one of the incidents that went on. She asked him why he fired one of the interns. She asked him if he prayed about it. "No, we didn't need to" was his reply. She was frusterated. She's such an amazing girl, and I love her. I never see her anymore though and she doesn't go to church anymore either. Her parents aren't Christians, and I don't think they really, truly care about her like family should. She needs Jesus, and the one place she was getting Him let her down. A few months ago she tried to OD. It hurts me so bad to see her like that; but even worse it makes wonder, makes me contemplate what might have happened, where she would be at right now, if that (almost said "our" lol) church was still together, functioning the way God intended it to. Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference; but maybe it would have.
Time to move on once more. At this point in my life I'm a young 15, just getting over the crankiness of adolecence; growing up just a bit. Learning lessons that helped me grow. Oh, look, down the road is a church. Time yet again for more "window-shopping". How much more of this can I take? This time I was heartbroken; my "friends" were there. boohoo. Another pity party for me. But I knew deep down that it was time to move on again, time to pack my bags and move (in the "body of the church" sense). I was resentful. Resentful, never to God, but to my pastors, my parents, and most of all the people of that church who screwed things up. This was over 2 years ago, and it's funny how just now I think I'm finally growing up, finally realizing that moving on is just a part of life. God uses those times to grow me and to mold me to be more like Him. I think just now I'm finally forgiving those people to indirectly hurt me. I see those friends, from that church, once in a while. They're hypocrites though, and it breaks me. I'm not perfect, but it hurts me seeing them be all two-faced. So this paragraph is my story of the division of that church. I still miss and love my friends there dearly and wonder what my life would be now if we were still going there.
So, as I said, down the road there was an efree church, where I go to youth group, sunday school and bible quizzing now. The church my parents were talking about (see first paragraph) is where I go to church with them, to the actual church service. All my friends go to the efree church. But today, what struck me was that my parents are moving on. They haven't gone to the efree church in months. It breaks me all freaking over again. I hate it! This church isn't growing me, the one(efree) I go to now. Sure, I learn about God, but this church isn't helping me to get to know Him more! Goodness, we need to be seeking his face, not just His hands. (Anyone ever read the book "God Chasers"? good book)... I want to know Him more, not just know about Him. I don't think it's time for me to move on and completely break away. Maybe I'll end up staying and maybe I'll end up slowely breaking away. Right now I'm 16 and can drive myself and make my own decisions as far as churches are concerned (within reason of course. lol). My good friends are here (at this efree church). My boyfriend is here. That's an awful reason to go to church, to see your boyfriend. But I'm right with the Lord; He knows my heart; He knows I want to know Him, and it's not my fault my church isn't feeding me. It'd be my fault if I didn't spend time in the Word or talking to Him. I love Bible quizzing. It might sound childish, but the car rides are so fun, our inside jokes are all so great. I have so much fun with them; we have stuff in common.
Now, today, I'm afraid. I want to have a perfect little life, perfect friends, family and church. None of this will ever be, but it hurts when you have to leave what you know and move on. But as I said, God is growing me through it all; teaching me the lessons He wants me to learn. And even if I'm never fully settled in a church; even if I never fully belong anywhere, HE'S all I truly need, and I suppose I should rest in the comfort of that. But I know it's His will that we be united, as one, as the body of Christ.
