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Keila

Join Date 10/2002

+27

Joke Central

please add your own, we all can use a laugh

IRS

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

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A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ''But we don't know anything about each other.'' He said,''That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'' So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
''That was incredible!'' she said.
''I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'' So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
''That was incredible!" he said. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?''
''No,'' she said, ''I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.''

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Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller
alligator turned to the bigger one & said, "I
can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I
just don't get it."

"Well" said the big gator, "what have you
been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small
Gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot
by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars &
wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab
them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see
your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a
politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a
briefcase."

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starkers

Join Date 05/2004

+1153

You'd think politicians 'd give 'em gas.... being full of hot air n' all.

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DrJBHL

Join Date 04/2002

+3819

State Mottos

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... and the sheep are scared

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mrs_starkers

Join Date 09/2006

+556

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!

I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
Error! Filename not specified.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

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Another one from my mother.(In case any of you wondered which side of my family I got my sense of humor from.)

The Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his

deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and

sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter.

The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a

sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment,

then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck

was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual

at such a young age, the father replied, "It ....it was only a bug,

Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a

moment said...."Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

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starkers

Join Date 05/2004

+1153

A man meets a gorgeous looking country girl in a bar and strikes up a converstation with her to help pass the time. However, it became quite evident to him a few minutes in that she was not very knowledgeable and was quite naive... particularly when it came to sexual matters.

Several sexually oriented questions had been asked and her answers were so naive that he felt game enough to ask if she would like to go back to his place and see his penis. She said yes so they took off towards his apartment via the take-away to pick up some more liquor to help (he figured) with the 'introduction'.

When they got back to his place he poured her a double whiskey, and while he was putting on a bit of 'mood' music to help set the scene, she asked him: "Well, how about you show me this penis thingy before I get too tipsy and fall asleep."

"Okay, then!" as he unzipped his fly and proudly presented his 'manhood' to her: "What do you think?"

"That's a penis?", she asked: "Hmmm, just like a dick but a whole lot smaller!"

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mrs_starkers

Join Date 09/2006

+556

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account & insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk & replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious & asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised & asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh & told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president & said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer a s a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet & spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way & that, checking them over again & again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square & reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer & acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she & her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better & asked the president if she could hold them to be absolutely sure. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that & she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would have the president of the bank of Canada by the balls

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Dark in Here

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover

are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!!!..."

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DrJBHL

Join Date 04/2002

+3819

A guy and his friend went hunting. They're in the middle of the woods when one keels over. He's lying on the ground with eyes glazing over and his friend calls 911:

-Hello?

-This is 911 (a calm reassuring voice says) how can I help?

-I'm out in the woods and my friend keeled over. I think he's dead. What should I do?

-First, are you sure he's dead?

-BANG! A gunshot is heard. The guy comes back on the phone:

-OK, he's dead. What's next?

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Time for a bUMp;

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven..
----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until . they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Disclaimer * the opinions expressed in this joke are not necessarily my own

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Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

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Wooden Leg Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to West Virginia from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.. You just have to know how to describe it!'

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Three men walk in to a bar.....

.... and the third one ducks.

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Two guys are walking down the street, and the see a dog licking him self

First guy: "I wish i could do that!"

Second guy: "Maybe you should pet him first."

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

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starkers

Join Date 05/2004

+1153

An old bull and a young bull are standing at the top of a hill inspecting the herd of heifers down below.

The young bull say to the old bull: "Why don't we just run on down there and f**k a few of them there heifers?"

The old bull replies: "Why don't we just mosey on down there and f**k the lot.

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Not jokes, as they are allegedly actual statements but funny enough for this thread.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

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A nurse had been bathing a female patient, who had been in a coma for several months, she noticed a reaction when the sponge was placed between the woman's legs. After the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to come to the hospital immediately. When the husband arrived the doctor explained the situation, and suggested that some oral sex just might help the woman recover. The husband reluctantly agreed. A few minutes later the husband came out of the room visually upset.

Doctor: "What is wrong?"

Husband: "She's dead!"

Doctor: "Dead, how did that happen?"

Husband: "She choked to death, I think."

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A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.' So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, 'Were you comfortable?' He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.' He goes, 'You talked to the animals?' He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.' He goes, 'That's exactly right.' He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.' He goes, 'That's incredible.' And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying.'

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