I took a "vacation" back to Hawaii in my dreams last night.
There was no plane ride. I was just there. Adrian was there, too. Unfortunately, he had meetings or other work-related tasks all day, everyday. We were there on a Monday through a Friday, but the time passed like it was a single day. It would suddenly be dark and night-time without there having been any time to explore or reminisce.
The entire time I was sad and frustrated at having such beauty and such amazing experiences right there at my disposal and being completely unable to enjoy them.
I would prepare for the day, and it would be dark before I could begin to enjoy anything. And it was so dark. Even Waikiki, where we were staying, was pitch black with not even a single city light to illuminate Diamond Head.
The last day I tried to get everything in. I would have to go alone since Adrian was working. I planned to drive around Oahu and visit Hanauma Bay and stop at shops and pick up gifts and t-shirts.
I miss Hawaii. I miss it terribly. Sometimes it almost feels like it physically hurts. I know that sounds stupid, but it was such an amazing place, and I really loved it. How lucky am I to have lived in Hawaii?
I loved how beautiful it was. I loved how comfortable I felt navigating and doing things in my little realm. The base was lovely and easy to understand. I had activities and connections and friends. Things were comfortable. Nothing was uncertain or new. And the most amazing experiences were available to us at any time for little to no money.
We could still be in Hawaii. It was an option. We chose to PCS, and for good reason. If we were still there, I would be saying good-bye to Adrian again this fall. I know it was the best decision.
But we loved Hawaii.
I don't miss our house. The duplex with neighbors crammed up against us and school-house floors constantly covered with red dirt. No privacy and no real feeling of ownership or permanence or investment in our home.
That's about all I don't miss, though.
I wanted to get back to Texas because I missed my family. My family isn't really family much anymore, anyways, though. And the family that is family I never see anyways. Everyone is too busy. Besides, Adrian and the boys ARE my family. I guess that's all I need, although it does hurt sometimes.
In Hawaii I had friends and people I spent time with. I am not good at seeking out opportunities to make friends or following up with friendships. I guess it was just because we were all there and we all needed help and support, so it was easier to make friends. I had people who made me get out and do things with them. I'm not like that at all. I don't initiate things. I had friends who made extra effort to include me in things.
There was FRG and Cub Scouts and La Leche League and PTA and just lots of people I knew. I don't know anyone here. I know Dana. And I am so glad I know her. Adrian has a few people here that he knows from Hawaii, and that I kind of know. I got to go to a BBQ that was both fun and awkward. I feel too busy at home to make extra effort to get out and meet people. I don't guess I feel bad about that, but I must because here I am writing about how much I missed the interaction in Hawaii.
I have joined a Natural Childbirth group here and I know it will be fun to get out and meet other women in that context. I got to know other moms when I walked the boys to and from school in Hawaii, but here they walk themselves, and when I walk them, the other moms don't seem interested in a friendly smile or small talk. There's always Bumble Bee Book Club I guess.
I miss how special Hawaii was. I always thought when we were there that I wanted to get away from all the horrible traffic, but there's horrible traffic everywhere.
I guess everything felt so familiar there. I know it didn't at first, but it really seemed like home. I was used to everything. I liked how things were.
I miss the beauty. I don't see how anyone couldn't. This place is not as horrible as a lot of people want to make it out to be, but it's no Hawaii, that's for damn sure.
There's so much sun and so little rain that grass is already getting yellow. I miss mountains and trees and green. I miss driving and seeing the ocean on the horizon. I miss sand in my hair and I miss my sushi place. I miss the commissary. Can you believe I miss the commissary? I'm just used to it. It seems right to me.
I miss the little walk to the school where the view of the mountains and palm trees were so picturesque. I always thought, I should bring a camera and take a picture of this because I want to keep it forever. But I never remembered to do it. Plus I thought everyone would think I was a weirdo.
I was looking forward to moving here, thinking it would be great to experience the seasons. We are too South, though. Will it be crisp and cool and rainy like Fall here? Will the trees change or will the leaves just fall off and become instant ugly? I know I shouldn't expect snow. Kind of depressing to be in Texas and not get to enjoy Texas weather. We don't even really get thunderstorms here.
I hate...I mean really hate...the maternity care here. The health care here in general. The women's clinic is crowded and horrible. With Isabella I had my family doctor, who I had had a relationship with for years prior, as my doctor for most of the pregnancy, and I felt listened to and understood and valued. Here it seems like women are cattle. And a lot of the women I see in the clinic are trash. I know that sounds horrible, but yuck. Really horrible to their kids and just generally gross and disrespectful.
I also am feeling very limited in my health care choices and it's stressing me out.
I love my new house, though. I really, really, love it. Everyday I think about how much I love it. It is humble, but really great for us. That's what I try to dwell on. My husband is home, my kids are happy, and I love my house.
I didn't really mean for this article to turn into a whining session, but apparently that was in there and needed to come out, LOL.
So, yeah, I miss Hawaii.