Ship of Fools
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SHIP OF FOOLS
An Admiral of the Great Insect Fleet should be able to scuttle as proud as a bug, but Admiral Lazar was worried about his subordinates. They were idiots. His warfare officer was clumsy, his science officer was a mere apprentice and his cultural advisor talked-like-a-sort-of-bird-you-need-not-be-afraid-of, unless you had-already-fallen-into-the-water [no direct equivalent].
For instance, there was the discussion about the most appropriate planet to settle in this system. The science officer had argued that extreme temperatures would be uncomfortable for the occupation forces. Idiot! Every bug knows that hot planets are the easiest for us to tolerate, compared to the vile humanoids. The warfare officer had noted that the presence of siege frigates meant that an advanced empire owned the planet, as small civilisations could have no use for such ships, and as there were no docks they had to come from elsewhere. Larval form! Siege frigates floated around even the smallest asteroids, and as to where they came from, they fell from the sky at the times the planet below experienced insurgency. Simple stuff that any self-respecting six-legs could fathom. Then the cultural advisor suggested that our occupation forces would be unable to hold the planet alone while we ventured deeper into the system, especially with their fleet above them to inspire rebellion. Like-the-locust-that-sleeps-for-an-eternity-and-wakens-only-in-swarms [no direct equivalent]! Deprived of the ability to bomb themselves, they would be unable to resist us even with the support of the rest of their fleet- unless they were influenced somehow by indigenous ‘pop music’ broadcasted at them from elsewhere in the system, which was unlikely at this early stage in the conflict. Their fleet wouldn’t last long against a resource extractor and a couple of turrets built by our unarmed construction frigate, anyway. That had to demoralise them.
It wasn’t just strategy that his inferiors were poor at, that might be understandable, as there had to be some qualification for becoming an Admiral. Their grasp of tactics was even worse. On the ship’s return to the planet after the conquest of a nearby asteroid, reports suggested that a large fleet was approaching. The warfare officer was smug as a rug-owner. Remotely, Lazar observed that the intruders would likely be pirates. It was confused, and crossed its antennae at me, with the suggestion that mere pirates did not launch attacks on large warships and planets with military defences. To claim that Lazar was the foozler! With patience, Lazar explained that whereas on their home planets the humans were docile- unless roused by extra-terrestrial mini-series about their police or medical services- in space they were dangerous to the point of suicidal, only the forces of some large empire would ever break off an attack when there was anything left in the same gravwell. Lazar gave orders that two trade units be constructed, here and at the asteroid. The science officer dared to ask why! It enquired whether it was really necessary and profitable to transport hot rocks to one port and cold rocks to the other, in the face of an aggressive and sustained attack. You have to teach, if they are to learn, I told myself, and Lazar expounded that though there was a small profit involved, the main concept was as an effective defence against the pirates. The trade ships were sufficiently armoured to resist the pirates until they left the well, and we could then destroy their attack ships easily without casualties. The pirates would be as indifferent as to what was in the ships as we were, since they just wanted to destroy them. The cultural advisor objected that without a cargo they had no pillage. Lazar informed him, slowly, that the pirates would already have been paid for their attacks, and would continue to die until they had earned their bounty. The blunt-mandibles persisted that irregular forces were notorious for only attacking if they had no credit, not when they had just been paid, that’s why they were dishonourable criminals and not elite guards units. And then all three clicked at me! An audible click, and at me, an Admiral of the Fleet! Was this then, the secret enemy of our insect race? A plague of mutinous stupidity?
Lazar had to act quickly and restore discipline, even with cruelty. The science officer Lazar set to research more advanced ship types, siege types and missile frigates, equivalents to those possessed by the weak forces we had just crushed, also a means of travel from star to star. At least this will keep it from inventing a ship that merely uses up our harvested resources, when it does anything at all. We already had complete information on our relative military and research standing to the other factions in the system, though we had not met any of them yet, so Lazar tasked the cultural officer with deducing from this data far more basic information on which planets they occupied, along with work on the still purely theoretical field of astronomical observation, the ‘fog of space’ problem. The bug said that it would try. Time is the fifth and possibly most important of the known dimensions, so Lazar requested that the warfare officer use its time to work on the vexed question of whether the deployment of a fleet in only two dimensions was more effective than using three. That might keep them and all aboard this Evacuator alive a little longer- but what if the secret illness should strike next at me? Have we been caught at last? I retired to my quarters, to consider at length the revisions to the plans for our new support frigates and the adjustments to the latest technology to bring together scattered elements of the fleet.
