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Tova7
Tova7
Join Date 09/2005
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At The Feet Of A Child

December 15, 2010 12:54:50 PM from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

Yesterday.

In the Chemo Chair next to mine.

A child.

My son’s age.

His mother’s face, oh my god, his mother’s face.  Creases deep enough for an an entire fingertip.

Inside.

I shattered. 

I was strong and steady up until then.  But something died inside me yesterday, shriveled black and stinking in the presence of the child’s pain.

And his mother’s.

And for the first time I thanked God for my breast cancer.  Thanked God it is me and not one of my children.

But a piece of who I am, of my fight, will forever lay on the asbestos tile of that chemo room, at the feet of a child.

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Tova7
Tova7
Join Date 09/2005
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Reply #1 December 15, 2010 12:59:24 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

 

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lulapilgrim
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Reply #2 December 15, 2010 2:39:06 PM
from Stardock ForumsStardock Forums

I'm bawled my eyes out as I read this. Oh the pain, sadness and sorrow that's in this world.

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Tova7
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Reply #3 December 15, 2010 3:36:05 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

I'm bawled my eyes out as I read this. Oh the pain, sadness and sorrow that's in this world.

I know Lula. 

My heart still hurts...it's dragged me down to such a degree, I can't even articulate it. 

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KFC Kickin For Christ
Join Date 11/2005
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Reply #4 December 15, 2010 3:49:37 PM
from Stardock ForumsStardock Forums

I understand this completely.  We had a scare when Brian was about 4-5.  We were told he looked like he might have Leukemia.  He was very sickly and we were trying to find out why.    I thought I was going to pass out when the doctor told me this and then in a panic until the tests came back.  It turned out he had a case of giardia parasite. 

There can be nothing worse than a mother watching her child suffer.   

 

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Texas Wahine
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Reply #5 December 15, 2010 4:09:39 PM
from Stardock ForumsStardock Forums

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Tova7
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Reply #6 December 15, 2010 5:22:38 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

I'm sick, not just of heart, but in the low grade fever type way (which explains the emotions seeping onto the page).  My WBC dropped below 1, RBC lower than 94,  and now running a low grade fever...it is 100.1, at 100.5 I have to go the the ER and be admitted.

So I cooked an early supper, cleaned up the kitchen, and ate a big FAT HOT FUDGE SUNDAE, cuz last time I was in the hospital, they forgot to feed me for two days....

It was the BEST HOT FUDGE SUNDAE EVER!!

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KellyW0498
Join Date 01/2004
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Reply #7 December 15, 2010 6:49:24 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

This is incredibly sad. It sickens me how this disease is attacking everyone young, old, healthy, sick. Nobody is safe. I don't even know how to express what I'm feeling, so I can't imagine how you held it together next to the child.

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Dr Guy
Join Date 09/2004
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Reply #8 December 16, 2010 9:34:34 AM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

I can only echo those who have commented already.  And thank you for such a powerful telling of the situation.  It is your gift that brings it home to all of us.

Thank you Tova.

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Big Fat Daddy
Join Date 12/2006
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Reply #9 December 16, 2010 4:15:35 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

 Beautifully written, as usual.  May have some words later...probably not.  Hang tough, T.

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Reply #10 December 16, 2010 5:52:38 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

I can't imagine how you held it together next to the child.

I did because the last thing he needed was a bunch of cancer patients boo hooing all over him.

But I can tell you this.  I have never experienced such a sudden, abrupt STILLNESS, as when that kid walked in the room.  Every chemo chair was full except the one beside me (Word is out about my talking and steroids)...and that kid held every eye, every breath, as if he were a piper and we all but rats. 

I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

But it broke me Kelly...shortly after posting this I went to the ER with a fever....I'm writing this from the hospital. 

I have no white blood count (less than .08) and an upper respiratory thing....the crud is going around....maybe it was just timing, but honestly, I think seeing that kid did me in....I've never in my life had such a visceral reaction to something, and I've been in and seen some pretty brutal things....you know.

I still feel broken.

And it looks like I could be here awhile.  At least until Saturday.

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Reply #11 December 16, 2010 5:55:51 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

I can only echo those who have commented already. And thank you for such a powerful telling of the situation. It is your gift that brings it home to all of us.

Thank you Tova.

No.  Thank you Doc.  Before BC, I would have been upset someone was putting this kind of thing on JU.  But who else can I tell?  The people who read me, know me for the most part.  I can't tell them this stuff face to face....not tell AND survive.

There is a price for speaking it out loud.

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Reply #12 December 16, 2010 5:56:16 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

Beautifully written, as usual. May have some words later...probably not. Hang tough, T.

Hangin.

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KellyW0498
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Reply #13 December 16, 2010 6:58:32 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

Tonya, I'm sorry to hear you are in the hospital. Listen to what they tell you so you can get strong. Dig deep and will the white blood cells back. I know that may sound silly, but what if it works? Lots, and lots of hugs from me.  You CAN do this.

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Reply #14 December 16, 2010 8:28:06 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

You CAN do this.

So let it be written.

So let it be done.

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Tova7
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Reply #15 December 19, 2010 8:55:53 PM
from JoeUser ForumsJoeUser Forums

Released today.  White blood cell count is up and I'm on the mend.  Just in time for another treatment!  Well not exactly, the next big one (the one with kick) is on the 28th and is only my 2nd of 6 (with kick), otherwise I go every Tuesday for the one with no kick, just a little bite....

Oh, and I'm starting to shed hair everywhere...!

 

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