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Cadalancea

Join Date 07/2008

+13

n00bs of a Sol@r Empire - A Parody

WARNING: This story contains some severe language. Read at your own risk.

Once again, a warning. This parody contains swear words and innapropriate humor, ranging from 'you dummy' to 'you teamkilling fucktard'. I was probably high when i wrote this, which was a while ago. So i decided to share the pain with you all. If you think it is in bad taste, or unfunny, or lame, or stupid, and you reach a general consensus, I will remove if so asked. I do not want to insult or anger anyone with this story. It's supposed to be for lulz only. Please do not ban me.

And btw, I SoaSE. I do not in any way dislike it. As aforementioned, i think i was high.

n00bs of a Sol@r Empire

“Sir! With my superior skills, I’ve detected a n00b battlecruiser behind the asteroid!!!1!eleven!”

“Ah, the stupid fucking camping bitch tactic. n00b. Good job, lietenant, I’ll be sure to up your karma for this. People who I tell to do things, raise the shields!” One of the random people on the bridge winked twice, ending it with the word “sir.” Outside the big clear thing that is somehow tangible, the Captain saw thousands of glowing horizontal lines, accentuated with Xs and a few equal signs. The Sup3ri0r Pwnag3 had the best n00b shields in the fleet. It had too, what with all the T-BG class ships running around. Then the captain died as one of his crewman shot him. That crewman then ran at the command chair until he suddenly disappeared and reappeared sitting in it.

“Crew killing fucktard!!1!1!!” another random guy said.

“Let’s go kill that n00b ship!” the new Captain yelled. Immediately, the old captain was forgotten as everyone cheered. The captain’s dead body disappeared suddenly, leaving behind one a bloodstain that was strangely already dry. Then the engines pulsed, and the Sup3ri0r Pwnag3 accelerated toward the asteroid. AS the ship passed the asteroid and turned to face the n00b battlecruiser, the n00b ship opened fire. With some dismay, the new captain saw it was a Radicand Class Battleship. An Advent Calendar ship. Egads. A fucking shitload of flame shot out of the Radicand Battleship as the Advent Calendar captain typed insulting comments onto a forum.

“Oh those heating n00b bitches!1!!! HAX!!!1!” The captain yelled. “Random people, make guns shoot!” The Sup3ri0r Pwnag3 shook as it opened fire with all batteries. Remarkably, all of these batteries fired automatically whener the gunnery tech pressed ‘e’ on his keyboard. For a few minutes the two ships just fired at each other, the captain screaming incoherently, until suddenly his voice cut out. His mouth still opened in closed, but no sound emerged.

“Thnx dood.” A crewguy said. But then, suddenly, the Radicand’s shields fell! On top of (lulz) that, a Kortul n00bistator emerged from phase space, and blew up the defenseless Radicand ship!

“Oh em ef gee!” The captain signed, “You took my kill!” The Vasari’s scowling face appeared on the bridge displays.

“I did not see your name on it.” He snarled.

“Stupid phase whore!” the captain signed back. “Kill him now!” The Vasari opened fire.

“All right guys, let’s do this! ALLLEEEEXXXAAANNNNDDDEEERRR KOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!!11!1!1one!” the pilot screamed. The Sup3ri0r Pwnag3 rammed the n00bistator, and they both blew up, somehow becoming tiny little bits of wreckage that don’t really match with the size of the two ships.

Elsewhere….

Alarms blared through the station. Soldiers ran toward the docked ships. Dozens were shot, knocked over, or punched out of the way. The fastest few made it to the ships first, taking the best posts like captain and pilot. At this, the other soldiers slowed down, saddened. It then took twenty minutes to fully load the ships.

An Org@sm cruised out of the dock. It’s guns fired everywhere, not shooting at anything.

“Bridge sheeple, go to phase space!” the captain of the moment said. One bridge guy repeatedly ran at a console until the An Org@sm jumped. For a few long moments it was silent.

“Well this suxs.” One crew guy said.

“Yeah. Bo-o-o-o-o-ring!” agreed another.

“Man, I’m leaving!” stated yet another, and he disappeared.

“Shit! Monkeys!” one guy screamed, pursued by a horder of small capuchins.

“Quick!” the captain yelled, “Repel the monkeys!!1!” There was a mad scramble for the weapons that were strangely all over the ship, on the deck. AS one guy ran for a shotgun, he was killed from behind by another guy, who picked up the shotgun and was killed, and his killer grabbed the shotgun, running away. In an instant, An Org@sm became a crazed riot of crewmen running around, blasting monkeys and each other.

“Hey look, a ship!” the captain (a new one, the other captain was killed by another dude earlier.) said. A Halcyn00b carrier was fast approaching.

“Kill em kill em kill em kill em!” The captain yelled, like a retarded parrot on coke. The An Org@sm shook as the guns started firing. The now-ignored monkeys jumped on everyone’s head, defecating. One of the main cannon blasts ripped into the Halcyn00b carrier. A giant voice appeared out of nowhere, saying “running riot”.

All the people cheered. And continued killing the Halcyn00b. Finally the Halcyn00b exploded, it’s burnt hulk passing below the An Org@sm. On the bridge holo, the following displayed.

“n00b Purger killed by An Org@sm.” Everyone pointed to it and said:

“Nyuck Nyuck.”

That’s right, the name of the ship was one. Big. Joke.

Fin

From yours truly, the retread, SSAF

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